...

Things are looking grim. I have a strange head pain just above my eyes and when I bend my head down, even just a little bit, the pain intensifies. But the strange part is that, when bending, I get a sharper pain just above my right ear and at the base of my skull... ?? I assumed it’s my eyes, because of the pain on my forehead, just hanging over my eyebrows, but the base of my skull? Even stranger, is the fact that its almost constant. I have this slight headache everyday (which really makes me think its my eyes getting weaker). The other pains are new. Making sujood was calamitous. I had strange visions of my head exploding earlier and M wants me to have my eyes checked out. I think his right.

Thats not the only reason for the gloom. My grandfather seems to have taken a turn for the worst. The family atmosphere has changed so drastically now that everyone’s realised that there really is nothing much we can do for him anymore, except just monitor and look after him the way we have. The cancerous tumour on his oesophagus, has been making him vomit and cough up blood and my dad has been there everyday day after work, to wash him and help him do the toilet business. My dad also does his routine shaving. Inbetween my uncles and male cousins have been there as well, helping to wash him or whatever else he needs. Its been really tough, especially for my family who lives with him. They practically have to sleep with one eye open every night. Theres at least one of us family members there everyday to visit, even if its just to be by his side as he sleeps.

My once, chatty, stubborn, independent grandfather is now mostly silent, weak and dependent.. My sister had a huge shock when she came back from Makkah to find him this way.

Whats even worse to see is how my dad and his siblings are taking it. Well, not taking it. My dad who is usually very strong... it has finally sunk in. They’re a very strong family in the face of sickness and will do anything for each other, but this seems to be hitting them very hard. You can see the morbidness on all their faces and the silent sadness as they carry him with a chair to the bathroom and back, whilst the sweat rolls down their faces. The way they would sit there reciting the Quran by his bedside.

At this point, the only thing I hope for, is that when my grandfather eventually dies, that he wont suffer before then, Insha-Allah.

As you can imagine, Im feeling rather dismal lately and work isnt helping. I have two major tasks at work which must be done before I go on leave, which is in 2 weeks time and work is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.

Being at work, feels like trudging through mud everyday and I cant get to my destination. Il just have to bare it.. keep positive.