my brain needs a change.. not a swap

You know those days when you feel as if you’re wasting your true potential? Like your daily career is just not doing any justice to what you can truly achieve in life? Well, today is one of those days for me. Right now, I feel as if I am stagnating and that I can really do a lot more than just programming for a living. Programming – it is the way we all think, naturally, without knowing it. Us programmers, just have the ability to put it down one instruction at a time, in the correct order.

Its really my own fault for not exploring whats out there, but its more than just that. For me, its about finding out what it is that truly makes use of your very unique individual talents. I often wonder why its so difficult to find out what exactly that is..honestly, how long does it take? And how many people out there, is actually using their full potential? I do feel as if I have loads of potential and sometimes I get an inkling of what it might be, but I often prove myself wrong. I think of myself as someone capable of doing quite a bit, but not being particularly good at anything. This is from experience. Im sort of a jill of all trades, master of none.

Perhaps, one day Il find out.
Even if you do find it, to then find a suitable career can be a long process in itself. Is it even about finding a career?

To be honest, I just think most of us are too afraid of our own true potential.. just my opinion. Most of us, tend to hide what we all know in order to blend in and just find it hard to defy the norms.

On the topic of exploring: Im trying to get my creative side back again, which I lost hecticly in my training to be a computer scientist. Daily at work, its being pushed further and further away, due to the forced logical thinking I have to cultivate and strengthen. Not to mention, the culture of my industry, shuns any sort of creative behaviour, unless you’re of the opinion that programs can be creatively written…. Together with that I also lost my memory, because I no longer needed to remember anything..but lets not talk about that again.

I now fully understand how so many people could not be creative. It was something easy and natural to me. Whether it was drawing, writing poems, making collages, or whatever else creative, it just seemed natural. Now that im in the space of being forced to think laterally, I too, find it hard to just let my brain flow and can identify with those who cant. Its such a foreign feeling, still.

The nice thing is: I know I still have it somewhere. I just need to find it again.
Im thinking of drawing again and perhaps learning to scrapbook. On top of that: just do anything to exercise my brain a bit more. Im tired of solving puzzles though. It’s the same way I have to think at work and most of the time, it ends up being easy.

Perhaps something outside of the box – like try to write stories, learn oil painting, or use my left hand instead of my dominant right all the time :P Mmm.

Im of the opinion, the more you do, the more skills you have, and thus the more you can do. I should start telling myself that more often.

Its just one of those days. ..

Being Mrs. A, cravings and a muddled mind

Its been forever since I have blogged.. what.. about a month and half? Even though so much has been happening, I neglected to find anything to post about. There was a lot to say and yet nothing to say. But today I feel I can write something and work has just been hectic for the last 2 weeks, so blogging will distract me for just a little while.

With my new 23” (second) Samsung monitor at work, Im trying my hardest not to be distracted by this huge screen, displaying code, in my right peripheral vision. Its proving to be hard. One thing, I love this monitor.. I can see every window in my coding editor without having to scroll anywhere :) The resolution is just perfect for the applications Im using.

Onto more important things: Married life is wonderful!… The strangest thing I found within that first week of being married, is that being called “wife” and calling my husband “husband”, and even wearing my ring, was anything but novel to me. It just felt normal, not new, exciting, or interesting, as I expected it to be. At most, my ring felt a bit uncomfortable, but that was about it. I just kind of fell into it, in a contented, relaxed state of mind and so everything just felt “normal”. It wasn’t a heady, exciting or nerve-wracking event, and so there was none of that gleeful rush in my head. I was probably the most relaxed bride everyone saw in a while. I was content and happy. The way I wanted to feel.

We’re doing well, adjusting to living together, and slowly but surely getting into a workable routine, except having to fight with ourselves, and the duvet, before getting out of bed when we should :D Living so far away from work, has now forced me, Miss Slaapkous, to wake up earlier than usual to get to work, which is so hard. I loved my get-up-at-8-or-when-I-feel-like-it routine I used to have.

Its been a month and half now, and as busy as married life is, we’re slowly getting used to it, last minute errands and all. We have a good laugh at our newlywed blunders and enjoy having no curfew! And I am grateful that everything is going well, algamdulillah. I reckon it can only get better from now onwards :) Insha-Allah. Its amazing how suddenly you’re part of a unit now and everything you do is done as a unit or part of it, but never really alone. Space is important, but even that is still done with your partner in mind.

All I can say is, I would recommend anyone to get married. It really is worth it, especially if you’re going into it with the correct intentions. It’s a whole new dimension to life, which brings mostly good things.

Im now anticipating the wedding photos and video, which we will probably only receive within the next month. No-one told me that posing for wedding photos was so hard.. there goes my dream of becoming a model :P

Its been an interesting year thus far: I ventured marriage, my father turned 60, my sister-in-law is getting married in a weeks time, my sister has been accredited for Hajj this year, my boss’s wife (my colleague) retired, as well as gave birth 2 days ago to a baby girl, Cape Town has had its worst storms and of course, a year in history: Micheal Jackson and Farah Fawcett died. Whats next, I wonder?

A few things Ive learnt recently:

- M can be as sweet as he can be naughty.
- I can have less sleep than I usually do and actually still function at work (mostly!)
- Afrikaans is classified as a low Franconian West Germanic.
- I love having my own kitchen and trying out new recipes.
- Star Trek rates as one of my favourite movies of all time.
- Cape Town’s weather can be scarier than you think!

On a current note: Ive been craving to go clothing and shoe shopping lately. That and toast with melted crunchy peanut butter. oh and notebooks and being creative. I just bought a new red moleskine.. gorgeous stuff. Believe me, its not normal for me to just buy clothes and shoes, randomly. Im used to going without clothes shopping for sometimes 6 months at a time. I still wear clothes from 3 yrs back and still seem to be fashionable. I guess I pick more classical clothes that hardly go out of fashion – im careful like that and it works for me.

I have a boot design in my head and Im hoping someone out there sells it. Might sound weird, but I usually visualise what i want, before going out to shop.

Now I have too much to say. So before I randomly spit out a million things that doesn’t flow, I think Il stop right here. Sorry for this rather rushed, muddled post.

Hope you have a great weekend… mine will be spent, mostly shopping and possibly watching more Bones with M :)

lets take a break...

So amidst all the wedding madness, Im actually making the time to do this tag.

Its a good excuse to think about all the things that cheer me up!

Tag notes:
List 7 things you love and then tag 7 bloggers to do the same. They should also download the Kreativ Blogger award image and upload it to their blog.

So, here's mine:

1. M :)

2. a hearty breakfast and a good cup of coffee, preferably a cappuccino, first thing.

3. Books - the reading type, the writing type and the drawing type.

4. Chocolate.

5. Being surrounded by nature and smelling the clean, fresh air.

6. Decor and anything beautiful/stylish

7. Peace and quiet.

You're all welcome to do this :)

The annoying loose ends

Sorry that I havent been around to update you guys on the wedding preparations. Its just been a bit hectic for me lately, so I quickly grabbed this chance to post something. Im feeling a bit nauseous ever since I had water from the water cooler just now, so Im struggling to concentrate on work and decided to take a short break and do something mindless, hence blogging :)

Currently the little things need to get sorted out, such as finalising headgears, buying gifts, music, fittings, etc. But these things are actually the most work and Im really not enjoying all the driving around. Im taking it one step at a time though, especially the endless shopping. Im trying not to panic over nothing, because really, it is nothing! So Im still sane :) I need to get some help though, because constant running around alone, is rather exhausting and I like my naps and coffee breaks, because well, I might then go insane, if I don’t have that!

It hasn’t sunk in yet, that im getting married within 5 weeks time. It still kind of seems like something in the future, not the present. But maybe that’s a good thing, because Im likely to stress if it has sunk in. I don’t even feel excited yet. Perhaps if I see something tangible, like my dress, or the kiddies’ dresses, will I then get all excited, but who knows. I just need all this preps to end.. its rather annoying and the day to come already. I don’t know how people can enjoy it. I think they’re just convincing themselves its fun. I cant pretend that it is, so I wont. Guess Im just a lazy bugger and so all this is too much effort! Convenience is my middle name.

Ive become rather organized lately, what with all the planning, preparations and sorting out my life before getting married. But maybe il post something on that another time.

For now, I need to get back to coding, even though the only thing on my mind right now is food. I need lunch – something yummy like pasta mmm…

Jumuah Mubarak to you all :)

3 minute contemplation

I am a “why” and “how” person. I was one of those annoying kids who always asked “why” a hundred times and wanted to know everything about everything. Today, still, Il randomly wonder about arb things, my mind drifting anywhere and everywhere all the time, while still concentrating on the task at hand. Well, as far as I know. Maybe I only think Im not daydreaming?... I often wonder about the strangest things, like what makes my car appear to be tilting , when its not? Or what the resolution is, of that huge Johnny Walker poster on the side of the building. How huge must that printer be and how long does it take to print?

Apparently this trait is synonymous with scientific thinking. It makes sense, but at the same time, I dont believe that theory, because Im always asking “why”, but I would definitely not consider myself to be anywhere near scientific in my thinking. I have limited logical capabilities and Im not even ashamed to mention it. I might have a BSc degree, but that was sheer luck that I got through those brain-numbing years.

Saturday, I was sitting in Seattle Coffee, waiting on M to finish placing our order, and my mind possibly drifted to at least 10 different things in that 3 minutes. I looked over at the bookshelf diagonally opposite, noticed the Time magazine, thinking about how much I like reading it, then wondered if I shouldn’t subscribe. Then I changed my mind, and realised that by not subscribing, I would save paper. Then I wondered about the business process involved in receiving a new subscription order. How would that work? Does the warehouse where the magazines get printed, receive an order to print an X amount of extra magazines? (I have no clue about the publication process, so forgive me ). I wondered about the program/system being used to track new/pending/expired subscriptions and who is responsible for the admin. Is it entirely automated? Or is there manual intervention? Yes, I was thinking like a typical programmer. At the same time I was imagining some woman at her pc, logging new subscriptions.

I couldnt decide whether time slows down or rushes by, when sitting in a coffee shop. Just sitting there, observing the flow of people in and out of the coffee shop, in and out of Exclusive Books, solo readers, casual browsers, some deep into a magazine at the bookshelf... how many of those people actually had an important goal coming to the mall that day? Is it just retail therapy? A serious escape? Or part of a hectic schedule? We’re all supposedly busy people, living our lives, doing this and that, but, here we are reading and slowly sipping our coffee, whilst life passes us by so quickly. I could almost vividly see that ticking clock hanging over our heads. And those magazines and books innocently paraded on the shelves – filled with stories, events, ideas, news, politics, photography, fashion and covers splashed with faces of influential people. All just a depiction of whats happening outside, put onto paper, for us to read life and not see it. People are out there doing things and I am here, passive, pondering, just sitting here and wondering why I feel as if I am doing nothing in this world. A flawed perception of course. Every action of mine has influence too, no matter how small, but when you’re in a coffee shop, you’re so very aware of what you’re not doing, simply because you have a chance to see and read it around you. You magnify your current lifestyle and your potential one. You’re suddenly noticing people’s demeanour, their beautiful handbags, their choice of coffee, the possible designer next to you, because of his reading material, or perhaps its a dreamer or budding entrepreneur. At the same time, you’re just taking it with a pinch of salt.

So 3 minutes later, M comes over and I wake up from my thoughts, which went from “why” and “how” to “am I too idle?”, whilst perhaps also drooling in my mind over notebooks I want to buy, things I need to do and how baristas get trained for working at Seattle coffee.. then obviously, my attention could only be on two things – my time with M at Seattle and sipping on my lovely cappuccino.